| Happiness? |
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| 08:34pm 09/03/2005 |
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mood:  loved music: none
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Today has been a day... Things have been crazy, falling apart yet i am smiling. One thing has presented itself. One beautiful thing to hold on to. |
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| Yerning for your fists |
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| 04:48pm 17/02/2005 |
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mood:  Unable to sleep music: NIN (duh)
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Somewhat Damaged (devoted to the past)
"so impressed with all you do
tried so hard to be like you
flew too high and burnt the wing
lost my faith in everything
lick around divine debris
taste the wealth of hate in me
shedding skin succumb defeat
this machine is obsolete
made the choice to go away
drink the fountain of decay
tear a hole exquisite red
fuck the rest and stab it dead
broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore
broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore
in the back
off the side
far away
is a place
where i hide
where i stay
tried to say
tried to ask
i needed to
all alone
by myself
where were you?
how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything that swore it wouldn't change
is different now
just like you
would always say
we'll make it through
then my head
fell apart
and where were you?
how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything you swore would never change
is different now
like you said
you and me
make it through
didn't quite
fell apart
where the fuck were you?"
All that and more is true and yet I miss you with all i am. |
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| What to say... |
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| 11:40am 01/02/2005 |
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mood:  guilty music: Silence
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What to say when all words lack to strength needed? I don't know what to really do with myself. I am having some major issues with my emotions and find myself "going out on limbs" to attain what i think i need. I can't sleep because i am too alone, so i am tired and lonely. I keep breaking down, crying, sobbing, and no one seems to get it. Everyone keeps accusing me of being drunk or fucked up when i am not just because i have been acting so oddly. The advice given to me was if i want something then go for it, but i tried. At first my hopes were high and reassured by that which i was aiming for, but then for not reason i can think of it all stopped. All lines of communication, cut off, all forms of affection, gone. Okay i understand i have been a crazy bitch lately so i get not wanting to be close with me, but if someone was a friend, even if just that, one would think that they would be honest and still remain a friend to me. Maybe i am just too odd, too ugly, too cold, too unimportant to have things like affection, caring, truth. I feel more alone then i have in a long time, but it is no one's fault but my own. I should know better then to attempt at friendship... i know i am no good at it... i know i always fuck up.... i know i am just whining and no one cares..... sorry |
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| 03:28am 19/01/2005 |
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mood:  Otay music: "One Mind"
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Yo Yo Yoz all you fuckers out in Internet land.... how the hell are you? I am feelin' ok for the first time in a long time. I am gonna do just fine in all my classes, I can fuckin' sleep in on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, I am clean and showered, and although a lot of my life is uncertain... i am ok with that right now. I may be sleeping alone, I may be out of work, I may be a bit foolish, but that's just how it is. I am hoping for a few changes soon, but if change doesn't happen I'll deal with that later.
For now now I am smiling
Jillian Grace |
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| Tonight Tonight... |
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| 08:58pm 16/01/2005 |
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mood:  drunk music: MSI
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I guess you can say i am feeling a bit better then i have been, but that is mostly because i am Shmammered! My back still hurts from sleeping in my fucking green chair for the past two nights, but hey it's my own fault. I get all shammered and then i start thinking my bed is to big for me so i curl up in a ball on my chair and crash. Believe me friends this is not a good idea!!! |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Nothing ever changes |
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| 05:55pm 14/01/2005 |
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mood:  gloomy music: Marilyn Manson "Cake and Sodomy"
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Each moment it own unique torture as I slide farther and farther down into a place in myself i was hoping to never have to go back to. My loneliness is consuming every thought. I am trying to quit smoking and i can't breath. I am trying to quit cutting and i wake up with a blade in my hand. I am trying but failure seems forced. I don't know what else to do. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| 04:07pm 11/01/2005 |
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mood: tired music: Nine Inch Nails "Underneath it all"
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I am very glad to be back in Chester and have my friends, my real family, around me. Life seems just a little easier when the people around you believe in you, but to think i could run from my sadness was just silly. Loneliness will never abide by state limits. I don't mean to discount my friends by saying this, but it is a loneliness they can not heal. I wish i could say it was sex that i missed, because then the problem would be easy to solve, but that's not it. What i miss is cuddling, late night movies, shared silence, a companion. I most certainly have enough strength of my own to not NEED a boyfriend, i really don't NEED anyone, i just miss having someone whom i can be with. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Personality Disorder Test results |
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| 05:09pm 22/12/2004 |
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mood:  cynical music: The Cure
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Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
Looks like i am more fucked up than i thought i was |
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| HONK |
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| 04:16pm 22/12/2004 |
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mood:  confused music: Silence
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Jeez what to do? what to do? I don't fucking know what to do with myself i am a big mess! Everything is so cufuzzled and my "dearest friend" seems intent on making things worst. How one might ask How, well i'll tell you. he makes up lies about my suto-boyfriend and then when i get all weak and weepy proceeds to kiss me. I know this sounds normal, but when you look into the past of a multiple-offense rape-victim things like forced kisses are a bit more threatening ya know? I stayed up all night sweating from old fears, everything reminded me of a past i have worked on healing. I know i must sound so stupid "poor me" "everyone is out to get me" but until you have had it happen there is no way to understand. I am alone and afraid of being apart of something. Everything is undecided and strung out and all i can seem to do is cry loudly. |
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| X-mas Sucks! |
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| 07:47pm 16/12/2004 |
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mood:  cranky music: Deftones
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So um yeah here i am chillin with mindy when she is packing trying to avoid having to pack myself. I really do not want to go "home" for almost a month. My house is utter madness put into "leave it to beaver" package. Jeeze i really don't want to fucking go. I have to go see all these fucking dumb people, i have to find a job i can walk to from my house, and i need to spend money on hypocritical family members who think i am a piece of shit.
Most likely i will have to see tobi and fall right back in love with that kid. Every time i see him he treats me like i am there for his amusement alone and then doesn't bother to say goodbye before leaving, but there is just something about him. I will always go back to him. I will always say that he is just being himself.
My back fucking hurts and i am not sure if i have to pee or not so i am just going to have to say Asde Despachio for now! |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Momentary reflection |
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| 10:11am 08/11/2004 |
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mood: tired music: " Seven-Eleven" MSI
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The smell of salt of failure surround each waking moment. I walk along blind, fucking up fucking everything regretting things i can't help but do. |
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| Happy day? |
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| 02:34pm 29/10/2004 |
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mood: uncomfortable music: "Pandora" Tori Amos
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Why is it that no matter how "normal" things are going they still feel super fuckin shity! I am sitting here in the library crying unnoticed by anyone. I don't know why this is a surprise to me i do often go unnoticed anyway. I am just too tired to do anything anymore. I am sick of living and i am sick of feeling torn. Fuck it! |
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| Poetic Interlude |
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| 05:35pm 27/10/2004 |
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mood: gloomy music: The Eels "This Stop"
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Autumn wind, soft voices, and scared eyes; who am I?
I ask my puppeteer to cease the song, plucked so carelessly of my heartstrings.
A tune so sad, a tune too loud.
Brown eyes burn seething skin;
The sour stench of used bodies permeates all memories of us.
My thighs are yours
My mouth is yours
I have nothing left.
For what else can be given when I am but a shell?
You have my skin, you have my song
I have asked for nothing.
You gave it willingly. |
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| The begining |
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| 01:28pm 26/10/2004 |
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mood:  distressed music: The Cure "There Is No If"
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So this is it, all that never can be... blah blah!
I don't know what to say other then i started this journal merely to vent. I don't care who reads it and i don't care who judges it. This is me. I am not always sane and i am sure i will almost never stay on topic.
I have been going through life full speed head on and college seems to be my brick wall. I have crashed, slowed down, been severely injured. I have been heavily medicated since i have crashed into this place and have spent all of my money doing so. I feel bogged down with money issues and spent all of my expendable cash, not on food, which i need desperately, but on weed, or beer, or shrooms, or E. My birthday was a blurr, but then again so is every day.
I have spent a large part of my life being the one in charge and being alone, but now is the first time i can remember when i am bothered by it. I can not sleep because each time i close my eyes i see Tobi's nude figure bathed in moonlight. He is the last man that i slept with, not just fucked, but made love with. That last night with him plays out each night on black dreamless screens. I want to be with him. I am lonely and i need someone to care for me.
This is a very new feeling for me so i am not sure how to handle it. I have started cutting again after an almost 2 year break from it, I am constantly impaired somehow and i am crying loudly. |
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plaything1023's journal
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